I'm ok, you're ok

I have been attending therapy sessions for four months.

It's no secret to those who know me (or even those who read my various social media outlets, including this very blog) that I have had issues with self-respect, self-esteem, and depression over the years.

Some years ago, while still in London, circumstances conspired to prod me into a therapist's office, whereupon I promptly decided that this touchy-feely mumbo-jumbo was nonsense - not least because (having been fascinated by psychology for years), I had read widely enough to be able to accurately predict most lines of questioning, and thus I inaccurately concluded that I was smarter than my therapist, and so had no reason to respect him. I wasn't in the best place in my life, admittedly, but I still cringe when thinking back on that arrogant douchbaggery.

Unsurprisingly, such a cocky attitude was not conducive to honesty, openness, or healing, and my belief in the inefficacy of therapy was deepened. I found various other ways of coping with my mental imbalances, with varying levels of success.

Flashforward to earlier this year, when one of my friends started a course of therapy of their own. Their glowing reports, coupled with various friends' loving but exasperated analysis of my poor dating choices, prompted me to sign up for sessions with a therapist here in San Francisco.

It's been a life-changing experience. I was in a significantly better place emotionally and mentally this time around, as well as having the positive motivation of having been the one that made the choice to "go in" rather than being compelled to do so - and those combined gave me the humility to (inspired by AA's advice to trust in a higher power*) give up my preconceived ideas of what makes sense and what doesn't, and to simply "do as I was told". To carry out the instructions of my (trained, trustworthy, accredited) therapist, whether or not I thought they were banal or simplistic or silly.

In doing so, I've opened up some completely new and healthier attitudes and modes of communication. I've learned mental techniques that have helped me to arrest emotional spirals, and to remain sanguine in the face of stresses that would previously have been incapacitating. I've experienced the feeling of actually genuinely liking myself for the first time in my life, and have a better idea how to recapture it and make it more permanent. I've had multiple personal revelations that, while simple and obvious in hindsight, made me gasp out loud when I realized them.

I have three aims in writing this post. The first, as arrogant and "armchair warrior" as it may sound, is to (in my own small way) lessen the stigma of seeking help with mental health, by discussing it openly. In the last few months, I've seen and heard several people express contempt for therapy as a practice - suggesting that it's only for "people with serious problems", and/or that it is a long con that doesn't really work but just makes you feel better. In my limited experience, the mindsets, perspectives, and techniques that therapy teaches would be of use to almost anyone, no matter how happy and balanced (or otherwise). And to the point about it simply being a placebo - since the aim of therapy is arguably "to make you feel better", any sufficiently advanced placebo is indistinguishable etc. etc.

My earnest hope is that reading this post can make even a single person realise that therapy could help them. You probably don't need therapy - but if you think there's even the slimmest chance that you could benefit from feeling calmer, happier, or more grounded, please, at least consider it.

Secondly, I aim to reaffirm my commitment to the process - to have something to look back on when things get tough (and, don't get me wrong, it's not easy - I come out of sessions feeling more exhausted than my cynical self of several years ago would have believed, and have broken down in tears more than once) to remind myself of the benefits of the process and how far I've come.

Thirdly, not least, to provide shouts-out**. Thanks, first of all, to the two friends most responsible for convincing me that therapy was worth an honest shot - no names, since my decision to publicize my therapy may not be theirs, but you know exactly who you are. Profound appreciation to my girlfriend Elaine, who has been incredibly supportive, positive, helpful, and understanding throughout the entire process, has echoed my therapist's dicta when appropriate (and provided many insights of her own), and listened patiently to my excited rants about my latest breakthrough. And apologies to Claire, whose profession I never gave the respect or admiration it was due until being confronted with my lifelong need for it.

I would be delighted to discuss this further, or to answer most questions, in whatever form of private message you prefer.



* Thereby fulfilling my obligation to never blog without, however obliquely, referencing Infinite Jest
** And, indirectly, an opportunity to use internal pluralization, because why wouldn't you?