Eating seeds as a pastime activity

I recognize far too much of these descriptions of toxicity.



(From both sides of the relationship, actually - but shit-talking exes doesn't help anyone, and I've already made my peace with, forgiven, and learned from those people anyway).

I try to be a good person. I have always tried to be kind, and considerate, and generous, and all the good things that we're encouraged to be. And, mostly, I would say that I'm pretty successful - I think that most people who know me would describe me positively, as a good dude (or a good person, if you don't speak Californian).

And yet, in the past, I've often been a pretty shitty boyfriend. Not because I was unkind or cruel or aggressive - but because I let my insecurity and neediness fall onto my partner, and allowed them to support me through it without making an effort to work on my issues. I was unintentionally committing emotional blackmail by basing my entire self-worth on their happiness.

I can't even imagine how exhausting it must have been for them to feel responsible for my happiness - to always have to be showing me that "things were ok", because without that constant reassurance and validation I would crumble into a self-doubting heap that they would then have to deal with. How claustrophobic and dehumanizing it must have been to be always playing up to my grand expectations of "twoo wuv" instead of just being two humans who enjoyed each others' company.

There's a point to be made about how society (and particularly Hollywood!) conditions us to expect certain things from relationships - especially the toxic lies of "if it's right, it will just work (without effort!)" and "your partner should know what's wrong without you having to tell them". I'm not going to harp on about those here, as other far smarter people have already covered them to death (if nothing else, I'd advise reading more of Kris Gage's Medium posts, as they've been revolutionary for me). I could also talk about how we normalize women taking on the role of emotional support for men, and undervalue that emotional labour. Again, even if I sat and thought and wrote for days on end, I wouldn't be able to produce anything to advance that conversation one iota. What I can do is to talk about what I've learned, and how I'm trying to change myself.

I've put significant effort recently into working on my own emotional health and stability, and it seems to be having a positive effect. Two of the key things that I've learned are to not make other people responsible for your emotions, and to communicate clearly and honestly about how you're feeling (and trust others to do the same). The more I look back on it, the more I realize that a lot of the stresses in my past have come from not learning those two lessons until far too late in life. I was putting those poor girls in a position of having responsibility for my happiness, which selfishly meant that I didn't have to take charge of it. By falling into sulks or martyrdom, I was failing to express my feelings and still expecting someone to understand them. And by requiring them to keep checking in to reassure me that they were ok, I was demonstrating that I didn't trust them to speak up if things weren't ok - and that I hadn't created an environment where they could feel safe doing so.

I'm so glad that I've got a greater awareness of how I operate, and I'm glad that I can be a little ashamed as I look back on my past - it's a sign that I'm still learning and growing! A million thanks, as always, to the wonderful girl who is currently putting up with my bullshit as I try to work my way towards emotional maturity. I'm so thankful that I get to choose you every day.

EDIT: It was only after I posted this that I recognized the irony of responding to a post by a woman about toxic self-absorbed men with "LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY STRAIGHT WHITE MALE JOURNEY". Leaving it up, though - if nothing else, this is a reminder that, no matter how much we improve, we can still be better.